I arrived at Portage as an altered and damaged version of myself, filled with anger and continuous reckless behavior. During the year leading up to my admission date, my world seemed to be crumbling around me. I blamed everyone but myself and dove deeper into my addiction.
When it was first suggested I should go to Portage, I laughed it off. I didn’t think my addiction was a serious issue. I felt that those suggesting I go get treatment had given up on me, that they ran out of ideas on how to help me and wanted to simply send me away.
Weeks went by and my trail of destruction grew longer, the consequences became more serious, and I faded away more and more each day. I was aware of what path I was heading down but I didn’t care. I genuinely believed that I wouldn’t amount to anything more than the empty and lost person I had become.
The decision to go to Portage was unexpected. I still don’t really know what changed. All I know is that my gut was telling me it was a big step in the right direction. Once my admission date was confirmed, not a lot changed. I continued living my careless lifestyle right up until the morning I left. It wasn’t until I shut the light off in my room, bags in hands, and was hugging my pets, that the tears started. It finally hit that I was leaving.
I spent four and a half months in treatment. Three of those months I was trying to go home. I didn’t want to stay in treatment because I didn’t think my addiction was “that” bad. I refused to admit it then, but overall, I wanted to leave because I wanted to return to my careless lifestyle. At the time, I hated everyone who made me stay. Today, I wish I could experience it all over again. I am forever grateful for all the effort Portage and my family put in to keep me there. It’s not what I wanted but it is what I needed.
Portage was not easy, lots of tears were shed and negative emotions were lived. However, it wasn’t all bad, not even close. Portage teaches you skills that, in life, you are just expected to know. The staff can be hard on you, but it is all out of love and care. You won’t find that kind of empathy and devotion anywhere else. Never in my lifetime did I think my time at Portage would be filled with laughs and unforgettable memories. The people I met at Portage have become some of my best friends and the staff feel like family. Portage is more than just another rehab; it is a home.
After completing the program, I was home for three months before I relapsed. It didn’t come as a surprise; the signs were there. The morning after, I felt guilt like I had never felt before, I was embarrassed and scared. Immediately following my relapse, I went and stayed at Portage for a week. It wasn’t exactly my choice, but I knew it was where I needed to be. It was a long week. I wanted to give up, I thought I had thrown away all the time and effort from my program. I fought to leave but the staff wouldn’t allow it. Portage never gave up on me, even when I really wished they would. The guilt I felt when I relapsed is a constant motivator to stay sober and all I have accomplished, thanks to being sober and the skills Portage taught me, is my proof sobriety is worth it.
When I first arrived at Portage back in May of 2022, I left the home of a family I broke, I had been expelled from school during my grad year, I was unable to manage my emotions, and I had no idea who I was. I was slowly killing myself each day that I stayed in my addiction. Today I can now say that I graduated in June of 2023, I am attending college in the fall of 2024, I am almost 2 years sober from alcohol, I just recently celebrated my 1 year sober from drugs, I am able to manage my emotions, and most importantly my house feels like a home again, not only can I say I got my family back, but I gained a second home and family at Portage.
My biggest fear used to be the future. Simply because I had no idea who I wanted to be. I spent my life running from my problems, I took out my self-anger on everyone else, and I acted selfishly any chance I got. My biggest fear now, is becoming that person again. A person who was so hopeless that they gave up control and gave up on themselves. Portage helped me become the person that drugs and alcohol were holding me back from being. They helped me be me again. Portage, alongside my amazing parents, saved my life.
Kaylee, Adolescent and Young Adults program, Portage Atlantic, 2023
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